Not higher than her Teacher intermezzo
by Katherine NotGreat
Summary: A dialogue about the interior of Mina's heart


"Lord have mercy on us for the prayers of our reverend fathers and mothers…"

**Not higher than her Teacher**

_**Moscow, 1916. House of Stt. Martha and Mary**_

"Lord have mercy on us for the prayers of our reverend fathers and mothers…"

" Amen. Come in, Mina, it's getting chilly outside"

_Why on earth is she calling me by that old name tonight?_

With a certain degree of diffidence Sister Anastasia crossed the threshold of Mother Superior's cell. At that moment, evidently, she looked more like a shy schoolgirl than a middle-aged former schoolmistress, who had been a sister of mercy long enough to shake off any shyness.

Grand Duchess Elisabeth Feodorovna Romanova, initiator and Mother Superior of the House, looked up from her work:

"My dear sister, what brought you here at this hour?" She examined Anastasia with true concern.

Dear Mother, you are just like you always are - a true Mother to all mankind…

" I came for the revelation of thoughts, Mother"

" But you only did it yesterday. Surely you haven't…"

"No, it has nothing to do with my present problems. Nor with my life here." Anastasia was now fidgeting the edge of her veil as if wasn't sure where to begin.

"It has something to do with another woman in another country, I suppose? " The Grand Duchess was now looking straight into her eyes.

" Exactly, Mother. So long ago that I sometimes think it did not happen to me but to some other person. Another world, you know. .."

" But surely you needn't go over your life story again, Mina. Even if you hadn't told me everything right after your coming to Russia, do you believe I wouldn't wonder what a British citizeness had been doing in a Romanian convent for 17 years?

"_Yes. 17 years, like Mary of Egypt, trying to forgive and forget…_

"… And why after all those years, when the World War broke in 1914 that woman volunteered as a nurse, a sister of mercy, and was found by our sisters in the whirlpool of combat?! My dear, I know quite well that your path to Orthodoxy was by no means an ordinary one, nor was your way of life since the events we shall not be discussing now. But.."

"The Great Mother", as everyone in Moscow called Elizabeth Feodorovna, made Anastasia sit down, but the latter soon sprang from her seat in evident agitation.

"Mother, there is something I just cannot forgive and forget…"

Mother, please understand me…

Elizabeth Feodorovna smoothed the folders of her veil, then slowly pronounced :

" Dear sister, nobody speaks of your forgetting the cause of your sufferings. But as for forgiveness… She now was in great earnest … Forgive you certainly must. "

"Do you happen to regret, dear sister," she continued, "the way of life you had chosen long ago? Perhaps you doubt whether it would have been more proper to follow your husband, return to Great Britain and to play the traditional role of an English matron – _an angel of the house?_ Is it that, dear Mina?"

"No, Mother", Mina was in earnest, "it is not like that. I cannot be _that _ungrateful. I truly believe that all Our Lord's doings have a certain aim which we may fail to understand, but which guides us towards the Truth. Your Church opened a whole new world for me, how could I therefore wish to be contented to exist within narrower limits? I've been in search of myself all these years, Mother", she continued in a calmer tone," and I believe I did find it. Only…" Mina made an awkward pause.

"Yes, my dear?"

"…only there is something that recently came to haunt my thoughts. Like…. like a splinter in my soul.

" A sense of injury, is it not?"

"Yes..and no… For myself I now feel no injury, Mother. I can now tell it , after all these years of soul labour, quite sincerely. But for the others –my husband, my friend Lucy, her suitors – when I start thinking about their damaged lives, there _is _a sense of resentment in my heart, and I cannot yet put it aside." She looked straight into the Grand Duchess's kind eyes. "Do I have the right to forgive _Him _for others, Mother?"

Elisabeth Feodorovna didn't answer at once. For a moment she pondered, as if mentally asking the Lord to give her the right words.


End file.
